Nothing Brighter
For most of my life, I was the architect of every detail—every plan, every outcome. I painted pictures of perfection, setting standards so high they were often unattainable. When reality didn’t match the image in my mind, disappointment followed. Even when I achieved what I wanted, it was usually because I forced the outcome.
It wasn’t until this year, and the help of therapy, that I truly started to see the cost of control and the importance of surrender. I’ve had to work to stop forcing things and instead create space for what is. When I stopped seeking I noticed abundance and peace entered my life in unexpected ways. I was feeling less let down. I began feeling more joy.
I’ve also been learning to trust myself when things feel uncertain. Sometimes I slip back into trying to control outcomes. The critical part is that I now recognize it and can catch myself—or someone holds me accountable…and some of you have. I’m feeling into my feelings of uncertainty and release. As someone who has spent a lot of time suppressing feelings and emotions, opening up to them has been life changing.
One night, on a long car ride home, I found the mirror for what I’ve just described and more. It was an album that reflected the personal growth I’ve experienced this year and the emotions I’ve been processing for months, days, hours, in the very moment I listened.
Now enter The Sea The Sea. I met Chuck E. Costa, of The Sea The Sea, back around 2012 when he was the Connecticut State Troubadour. He was performing a bit around Connecticut and I went with a coworker to watch The Sea The Sea perform at BAR in New Haven. I fell in love with the harmonies coming from Chuck and his wife Mira. And then there’s the beautiful songwriting.
Stumbling Home was an album they released in 2020 and it’s an album I can listen to from beginning to end without skipping a track (not always an easy thing!). I was driving home from New York City one night in October and I put on this album. It had been a while since I’d listened to it. Something about the lyrics resonated with me differently this time. The album was matching my vibe. I picked out a few songs from the album and started to explore a color palette with my inks and their symbolism.
The opening track, Nothing Brighter, was at the top of the painting list. On that drive home, this is the track that pulled me in. I was hanging on every word. The first time they sang, “Wasn’t looking for something, that’s when it finds you they say,” it melted me. I feel this about so many things in my life right now. Right in that very moment, I felt it deeply.
I painted this piece the way I do most of my work, I loop the track while I determine the inks, while I stare at the paper, while I put ink on the paper, and while I add pen markings or embroidery. Each time I was sit in the meaning of a line and let it take me somewhere.
It took days to create the layers of this piece. One sitting might be focusing on “O my chest it felt tighter ‘till our hearts they caught fire" and another time it was, “And your tongue is a flower darling, wild against it your truth - ravaged by fire - call it a flame to hold onto…” The inks were selected using my process of researching symbolism of plants and matching those symbols with the music I listen to while I create. I worked with a palette of ninebark (hope and love), red cabbage (passion), butternut squash (magic), strawberry (sensuality) and azalea (new beginnings). I played with how the inks would flow into each other and how they would layer, all while being present with the song and present with the materials in my hands. [learn more about My Process]
I’m in a season right now where there is a lot of “new”. New emotions, experiences, challenges, relationships, and responsibilities. With all the newness comes a lot of unknown. There are moments when I cling too tightly to what I think life should be. You may do it too. But sometimes, it’s in letting go that we make room for truth, intimacy and beauty. Then we experience life in full-color.